A. J. Leibling: "People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."
Abba Eban: "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."
Abraham Lincoln: "He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met."
Abraham Lincoln: "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
Abraham Lincoln: "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
Abraham Lincoln: "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion."
Abraham Lincoln: "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Abraham Maslow: "When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965): "In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
Aesop: "We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."
Alan Kay: "The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
Alan Perlis: "You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "It was the experience of mystery - even if mixed with fear - that engendered religion."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
Albert Giacometti (sculptor): "Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
Albert Schweitzer: "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
Aldous Huxley (1894-1963): "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
Aldous Huxley (1894-1963): "At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas."
Alexander Pope: "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
Alexandre Dumas: "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest."
Alfred Hitchcock: "Drama is life with the dull bits cut out."
Alfred Hitchcock: "Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some."
Alice Kahn: "For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914): "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914): "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914): "The covers of this book are too far apart."
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914): "Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles."
Anais Nin (1903-1977): "How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."
Andre Gide: "Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."
Anon.: "Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
Anon.: "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."
Anon.: "The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television."
Anon.: "A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top ."
Anon.: "Heisenberg may have slept here."
Anon.: "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
Anon.: "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
Anon.: "If you lend someone $20, and never see them again .. it was probably worth it."
Anon.: "Minds, like parachutes, work only when open."
Anon.: "All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."
Anon.: "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
Anon.: "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
Anon.: "In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it."
Antoine de Saint Exupery: "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
Aristotle: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975): "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
Arthur C. Clarke: "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
Arthur C. Clarke: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860): "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
B.F. Skinner: "The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do."
Babe Ruth: "I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run."
Barbara Tober: "Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening."
Barry LePatner: "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."
Benjamin Disraeli: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
Benjamin Disraeli: "When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken."
Benjamin Disraeli: "My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
Benjamin Franklin: "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Bernard Bailey: "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970): "Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970): "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
Bill Gates in 1981: "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
Bill Vaughan: "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
Bjarne Stroustrup: "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
Blake Clark: "Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision."
Blamestorming:: "Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible."
Blore's Razor: "Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier."
C. A. R. Hoare: "There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult."
C. P. Snow: "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961): "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Jung: "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
Carl Sagan: "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Cato the Elder: "After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."
Cecil Baxter: "You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty."
Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970): "The graveyards are full of indispensable men."
Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970): "How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?"
Charles Dickens (1812-1870): "He would make a lovely corpse."
Charles M. Schulz: "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
Charles Wadsworth: "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."
Charles William Stubbs: "To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."
Chessmaster A.Nimzovich (1886-1935): "How can I lose to such an idiot?"
Chuck Reid: "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is."
Clyde B. Aster: "When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway."
Cullen Hightower: "Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it."
Dandemis: "Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
Dave Barry: "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
Dave Barry: "You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
David Brin: "It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power."
David Dunham: "Efficiency is intelligent laziness."
David Friedman: "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
David T. Wolf: "Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows."
Don Marquis: "The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race."
Don Marquis: "When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"
Don Quixote (Man of La Mancha): "Facts are the enemy of truth."
Dorothy Nevill: "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
Dorothy Parker: "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
Doug Larson: "The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."
Doug Larson: "What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living."
Doug Larson: "Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."
Douglas Adams: "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
Douglas Adams: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams: "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
Douglas Adams: "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
Douglas Adams: "Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
E E Cummings: "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
E. B. White: "Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time."
E. Joseph Crossman: "Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places."
E. W. Dijkstra: "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."
E. W. Dijkstra: "Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
Edith Wharton: "If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
Edmund Burke: "It is the nature of all greatness not to be exact."
Edward R. Murrow: "A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices."
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915): "Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915): "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
Elizabeth Taylor: "The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."
Elvis Presley (1935-1977): "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
Eric Hoffer: "The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not."
Ernest Rutherford: "All science is either physics or stamp collecting."
Errol Flynn: "My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income."
Evelyn Waugh: "Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
Floyd Dell: "Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld: "Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld: "The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it."
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959): "I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959): "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
Frank Zappa: "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
Fred Allen: "Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
Fred Hoyle: "Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
Frederick (II) The Great: "I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right."
Friedrich Nietzsche: "It is nobler to declare oneself wrong than to insist on being right - especially when one is right."
Fyodor Dostoevsky: "The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half."
G. B. Burgin: "It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."
G. H. Hardy: "It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
G. K. Chesterton: "To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it."
G. K. Chesterton: "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered."
Galileo Galilei: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
Gallagher: "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gene Brown: "Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools."
General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964): "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."
General George Patton (1885-1945): "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg: "With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another."
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg: "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all."
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg: "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all."
Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799): "Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not."
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873): "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
George Burns (1896-1996): "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
George Carlin: "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
George Carlin: "Its never just a game when you're winning."
George Eliot (1819-1880): "Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."
George Orwell: "On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time."
George Price: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?"
George S. Patton: "Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results."
George Santayana: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
Goethe (1749-1832): "A clever man commits no minor blunders."
Goethe (1749-1832): "When ideas fail, words come in very handy."
Golda Meir (1898-1978): "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Gore Vidal: "A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
Gore Vidal: "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
Grabel's Law: "2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2."
Graffito: "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
Greek Proverb: "First secure an independent income, then practice virtue."
Groucho Marx (1895-1977): "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Groucho Marx (1895-1977): "She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Groucho Marx (1895-1977): "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Groucho Marx (1895-1977): "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Guy Davenport: "Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
H. G. Wells (1866-1946): "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
H. G. Wells (1866-1946): "Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
H. L. Mencken: "Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."
H. L. Mencken: "Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right."
H. L. Mencken: "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."
H. L. Mencken: "We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine."
H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916): "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916): "A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation."
Hagar the Horrible: "As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something."
Harlan Ellison: "The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."
Harry S. Truman: "If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
Henry Ford (1863-1947): "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."
Henry Ford (1863-1947): "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
Henry J. Tillman: "The saying 'Getting there is half the fun' became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines."
Henry Kissinger: "The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously."
Henry Stimson: "The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him."
Henry Thoreau (1817-1862): "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it"
Hofstadter's Law: "It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account."
Howard Aiken: "Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats."
Hubert H. Humphrey: "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964): "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action."
Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971): "Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."
Immanuel Kant: "Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life."
Intaxication:: "Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with."
Isaac Asimov: "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
Isaac Asimov: "Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest."
Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
J. B. Priestley: "Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."
J. Paul Getty (1892-1976): "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
J.R.R. Tolkien: "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
Jack London: "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
James Branch Cabell: "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears that this is true."
James F. Byrnes: "Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death."
James M. Barrie: "Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."
James Magary: "Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up."
James Thurber: "There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."
James Thurber: "I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness."
James Thurber: "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
James Thurber: "You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."
James Thurber: "There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else."
Jane Austen: "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of."
Jane Wagner: "Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself."
Jean Cocteau (1889-1963): "The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head."
Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980): "Everything has been figured out, except how to live."
Jeanette Rankin: "You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake."
Jeff Valdez: "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
Jennings Bryan (1860-1925): "No one can earn a million dollars honestly."
Jerome K. Jerome: "It is always the best policy to speak the truth - unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar."
Jerome K. Jerome: "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
Jimi Hendrix: "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
Jimmy Durante: "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."
Joan Baez: "The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: "There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."
John Barrymore: "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."
John Benfield: "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
John C. Dvorak: "In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear."
John Cage: "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."
John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960): "A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship."
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963): "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
John Tudor: "A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way."
John Wayne: "Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much."
Judith Martin: "It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
Katherine Cebrian: "I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."
Katherine Hepburn: "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."
Keith Chesterton (1874-1936): "You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it."
Kristian Wilson: "Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music."
Lady Violet Bonham Carter: "Outer space is no place for a person of breeding."
Larry Hardiman: "The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
Last words of P.Villa (1877-1923): "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
Laurence J. Peter: "An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it."
Laurens Van der Post: "Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right."
Leo Tolstoy: "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
Ludwig Erhard: "A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece."
Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951): "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
Mae West: "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
Mahatma Gandhi: "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
Malcolm Forbes: "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem."
Malcolm Forbes: "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."
Marcus Aurelius: "We ought to do good to others as simply as a horse runs, or a bee makes honey, or a vine bears grapes season after season without thinking of the grapes it has borne."
Mario Andretti: "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "If I had more time I would have written less."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
Mark Twain (1835-1910): "The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot."
Marlene Dietrich: "I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself."
Marston Bates: "Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind."
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968): "It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important."
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968): "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968): "Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."
Marty Indik: "Confusion is always the most honest response."
Maureen Murphy: "The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces."
Mel Brooks: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
Michael Friedman: "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
Michael Pritchard: "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."
Miss Piggy: "Never eat more than you can lift."
Moses Hadas (1900-1966): "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it."
Nancy Reagan: "I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821): "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Nathaniel Borenstein: "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents."
Nicholas Butler: "The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously."
Niels Bohr (1885-1962): "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
Niels Bohr (1885-1962): "We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?"
Niels Bohr (1885-1962): "An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
Noel Coward: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Ohnosecond:: "That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake."
Oliver Wendell Holmes: "Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."
Oliver Wendell Holmes: "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract."
Orson Welles: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
Oscar Levant: "Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."
Oscar Levant: "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900): "The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated."
Otto von Bismarck: "Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made."
Otto von Bismarck: "When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice."
P. G. Wodehouse: "The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."
P. G. Wodehouse: "At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies."
Paul Fix: "The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
Paul Harvey: "In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these."
Paul Valery: "What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves."
Paula Poundstone: "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
Peter da Silva: "Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."
Peter Drucker: "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
Peter Drucker: "So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work."
Peter McWilliams: "To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
Peter Ustinov: "It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously."
Peter Ustinov: "Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much."
Philip K. Dick: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
Plato (427-347 B.C.): "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
Plato (427-347 B.C.): "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something."
Poul Anderson: "I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
Prof. Steiner: "A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard."
Putt's Law: "Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."
R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983): "When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."
R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983): "Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons."
R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983): "Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering."
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist."
Rene Descartes (1596-1650): "Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems."
Richard Bach: "Learning is finding out what you already know."
Rita Mae Brown: "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
Robert Benchley: "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."
Robert Byrne: "Getting caught is the mother of invention."
Robert Heinlein: "Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
Robert McCloskey: "I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Robert Orben: "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Robert Orben: "There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
Robert Wilensky: "We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."
Ronald Reagan: "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980): "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
Ross MacDonald (1915-1983): "Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
Russell Baker: "The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him."
Sacha Guitry (1885-1957): "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
Saint Augustine: "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."
Salvador Dali (1904-1989): "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784): "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784): "A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out."
Samuel McChord Crothers: "The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them."
Samuel P. Huntington: "The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do."
Samuel Palmer (1805-80): "Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them."
Sean O'Casey: "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
Sherlock Holmes: "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
Sidney J. Harris: "Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
Sir Barnett Cocks: "A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled."
Sir Francis Bacon: "They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea."
Sir Julian Huxley: "Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat."
Sir William Drummond: "He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave."
Sir William Preece: "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "If you are going through hell, keep going."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
Socrates (470-399 B.C.): "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855): "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
Stephen Vizinczey: "Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it."
Steven Weinberg: "With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
Steven Wright: "Black holes are where God divided by zero."
Steven Wright: "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
Steven Wright: "A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"
Sydney Smith: "Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything."
Tenessee Williams: "A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with."
Testiculating:: "Waving your arms around and talking b*****ks"
Theodore Roosevelt: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
Thomas Carlyle: "The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none."
Thomas Edison (1847-1931): "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison (1847-1931): "Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826): "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826): "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."
Thomas Jones: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
Tom Stoppard: "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?"
Tom Stoppard: "I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
Tom Stoppard: "Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art."
Tom Wolfe: "A cult is a religion with no political power."
Tommy Cooper: "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."
Umberto Eco: "I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
Vince Lombardi: "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
Voltaire (1694-1778): "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire (1694-1778): "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
Voltaire (1694-1778): "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
Voltaire (1694-1778): "To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered."
Voltaire (1694-1778): "Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers."
W. C. Fields: "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
W. C. Fields: "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
W. Somerset Maugham: "Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit."
Walter Bagehot: "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
Warren Zevon: "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
Washington Carver (1864-1943): "When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world."
Wernher von Braun (1912-1977): "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
Wernher von Braun (1912-1977): "We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming."
Will Durant: "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
Will Durant: "One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
William Dement: "Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."
William Feather: "The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor."
William James: "The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."
Willie Tyler: "The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."
Willis Player: "A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment."
Wilson Mizner: "A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions."
Wilson Mizner: "I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."
Woody Allen (1935-): "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
Woody Allen (1935-): "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
Woody Allen (1935-): "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."
Woody Allen (1935-): "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
Woody Allen (1935-): "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.): "I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."
Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back): "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
Yogi Berra: "You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
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